by Kevin Andrew Murphy
Given my name, if not my nationality, it seemed rather natural for George to ask me to do something for St. Patrick’s Day—or at least that’s when the Wild Cards blog calendar came around to my name.
While I considered doing something about the history of Ireland in the Wild Cards timeline, that ground has been better trod by Stephen Leigh, with his stories of Gary Bushorn, the Burning Man, and the joker island of Raistlin, starting in Card Sharks, and Peadar O’ Guilin, creator of the terrifying Babd, goddess of war, and her secret history in the Troubles, starting in Knaves Over Queens. Especially since Peadar is actually Irish, so I thought it best to leave detailing those chapters of Wild Cards history to them.
Besides, given the years we’ve been having, something more festive seemed in order for St. Patrick’s Day, so I was put in mind of the childhood custom we had, when we were far too young to drink green beer or anything more exotic than a Shamrock Shake (back before Uncle O’Grimacy got banished from McDonaldland) of wearing green or getting pinched—though if you pinched someone and they were actually wearing green, they got to pinch you back three times, so it wasn’t without risk, in case someone was secretly wearing sweat socks with green bands around the top hidden under their pant cuffs.
Children in California in the 70s had to get their amusement where they found it.
But in the Wild Cards world, how would that game work, when you have characters who actually were green or could suddenly turn green at will?
The winner on the playground would probably be George R.R. Martin’s character Troll, Howard Mueller, whose joker gave him warty green armored skin as a child, even though then he got called Mr. Toad since he hadn’t yet sprouted to nine feet tall. I got to establish this in “Warts and All” which I wrote for the expanded Aces Abroad, and while I didn’t mention Howard being the winner of the childhood St. Patrick’s Day pinching game, between being pinch-proof and already green, he’d have a strong advantage in being voted the most festive Wild Cards character for St. Patrick’s Day.
But who else? Especially since part of the fun was tricking people into pinching you so you could pinch them back? Of early Wild Cards, one of the first ones mentioned in the first volume of Wild Cards was the first deuce, Mr. Rainbow, Timothy Wiggins, who could turn his body any color he wanted and did that while playing a guitar and singing songs that had a matching color in their titles, using this power to become a second-rate Catskill’s lounge act in the 50s. Having Mr. Rainbow play “The Wearing of the Green” and “Green Grow the Rushes” while turning green for St. Patrick’s Day at the bar is doubtless something that happened—to say nothing of “The Orange and the Green” as the blowout number with accompanying color changes—and was likely his big money night. Whether he ever did this in childhood has yet to be established, but it is a possibility. Regardless, a strong contender for winning St. Patrick’s Day.
But even greener than Troll or Mr. Rainbow in his green mode? Well, I go back to Stephen Leigh again, for he has a full pack of green Wild Cards. First off, there’s King Brian, who the Wild Card turned green and shrunk to less than half his original height, making him get mistaken for a leprechaun, which was a dangerous thing to do, since he was also the head of the Twisted Fists joker terrorists in the British Isles. Of course, King Brian hates being taken for a leprechaun, but he’s also got his headquarters in a bar, with the joker bartender fused with the bar itself, so one imagines it hard to turn down tourist dollars one night a year, since his headquarters is a working pub.
Another joker barkeep is Squisher, who runs Squisher’s Basement, where he hangs out in a giant aquarium, the wild card having left him aquatic. One assumes Squisher is squishy, but is he green? Well, if someone drops the green food coloring for the beer in his tank for St. Patrick’s Day, it could certainly happen, and probably has, given the antics in Jokertown.
But another of Stephen Leigh’s characters, while not having green skin, glows green, that being the Nur al Allah, “the Light of Allah,” who also had a powerful mind-control power through the use of his voice, with his green light glowing brighter when he used it. Being in Syria and Muslim, the Nur did not likely celebrate St. Patrick’s Day, but was certainly educated enough to be aware of it. Then again, unlike King Brian, he was not known for tolerating tourists.
Steve’s third green character? While not green-skinned or glowing green, Jerusha Carver, the ace Gardener, who appeared in Inside Straight with the other contestants for American Hero, would still count, being able to grow and control plants at will, and with most greenery being green, she would likely win at that game and grow shamrocks for all.
Of course, at the same time that Gardener was revealed on American Hero, there was also my character, Rosa Loteria, who pulled cards at random from her family’s heirloom Loteria deck, gaining powers of that card and transforming to match, and as it has been established, the very first card she drew at her Quinceañera was El Nopal, The Cactus, transforming her into a green-skinned joker cactus woman with thorns. But Rosa’s power is completely random, so drawing a green joker or ace for St. Patrick’s Day would literally be luck of the draw.
Also drawing from my own Wild Cards characters? Herne the Hunter can be distinguished from his alter ego, regular Dylan Hardesty, by his eyes glowing with green witchfire. Most people don’t notice this, because an eight-foot-tall stag-legged antlered knave is impressive enough, but it is certainly the case, and when Herne summons his Spear, his black Horse, and the white-furred Gabriel Hounds, they appear and disappear with the same glowing green energy. Indeed, the most recent cover of the American edition of Dealer’s Choice shows the Gabriel Hounds in full green glory, so they’d certainly be a good entry for the wearing of the green. Then again, calling the Wild Hunt would be the wrong sort of festive for St. Patrick’s Day, even if it would certainly make for a memorable parade.
Other characters who can turn green? John Jos Miller’s deuce detective Shades can change his color at will, like Mr. Rainbow, but uses it for camouflage rather than being a second-rate lounge act. Shades also carries a painter’s pantone with himself so he can get exactly the right shade of green or whatever color he wants. Caroline Spector’s character Ink can also give herself tattoos of any color she wants, and while Ink’s partial to red roses, she could do green foliage or at least tattoos of same. And my own character Swash, aka His Nibs, can secrete ink of any color from his fountain-pen fingernails, though since it’s also fairly colorfast, His Nibs would probably avoid painting himself green with his paintbrush-tufted lion’s tail, even if it was to win a St. Patrick’s Day Wild Card contest.
But the hands-down winner of the Wild Cards St. Patrick’s Day contest, as I would judge it? Peter Newman’s character The Green Man, who the wild card turned into brown wood, but who wears a traditional Green Man mask and is also the only Wild Cards character to date with “green” anywhere in his name. Being very respectably English, the Green Man would also likely be quite annoyed to be likened to an Irish saint, let alone Irish-American children’s games, but is still my pick for the Wild Cards King of St. Patrick’s Day.
###